You're Going To Pipi!

Yes, it's been quite a while. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

As you may know, my mom sends me a text every morning to ask how I am. There is the random phone call because, as she puts it, "I want to hear your voice! No typing!". As you might remember, I receive a daily "how are you?" text. However, today it turned into "I Jen hor r u?" At first, I assumed that she wasn't great typing with her new Droid phone (yes…she felt the need to become much more technologically advanced and get a Droid. At least 3 times a week, I get a confused phone call because there are so many buttons and applications). But after that text, I receive the "how are you" text. Was my mother trying to insinuate something? Was she trying to get me out of denial and write something I should say…"I, Jen, am a whore?". I wasn't sure if I should take offense to this. So I did what any child would do in an awkward situation…I ignored her.
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For Halloween, I dressed up my Corgi puppy as a hot dog. As a proud parent who found torturing her dog with a hot dog costume hilarious, I sent a picture of her to my mom. The response was pretty much a classic response as she was in the process of learning how to use her new Droid:

Me: "Abbey is dressed like a hot dog for halloween"
Mom: "Hi Jen how are you? :)"
Me: "Good how are you? Did you get my picture?"
Mom: "I'm ok I'm trying to learn this cell"
Me: "Did you get the picture?"

The next text is a video that my mom took of the wall

Mom: "She is si cue u went with her for tric tric?"

Next year, I plan on posting a video of my mom take my dog out trick-or-treating in the same hot dog costume while she dressed up as a bottle of ketchup and yells "tric tric!" at every house.

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My mother sent me a text after dropping my brother off at the train station for a business trip.
Mom: "Hi jen how r u?"
Me: "Good how are you?"
Mom: "Good how are you? You going to pipi!"
Me: "I'm going to pee?"
Mom: "Yes you going to pipi de la risa!"

Translation: "De la risa" means "from laughter" in Spanish.

After this text message, I receive a phone call so she can tell me what is so funny that I was going to pipi. Please note - my expectations were pretty high. Her story:

"Jen I just dropped Vin off and he was yelling because I was late to pick him up and saying he was going to miss the train. I was late though. So I told him to shut your mouth and put on seat belt because your mommy was taking you to the train station! It was 5 o'clock and we had to drive to New York so there was so much traffic! I was in and out and in and out like crazy from the cars! His eyes got so big and he yelled 'slow down'! I said no, I told you we no going to be late! Well, we get there 15 minutes early."

Me: "So you drove like a crazy lady."
Mom: "He was so scared. He almost pipi in the car!"

She, then, proceeded to laugh into the phone for about 3 minutes and my expectations really need to be lowered next time.

Fiber

I know that I've mentioned this in the past, but when I get sick my mother calls me every 30 minutes or so to make sure that I'm still alive. If I don't answer, I start receiving numerous text messages and the phone calls every 2 minutes begin. A perfect example is when my mother called me to see how I was feeling and when I tried to answer the call, it was too late. So I call her back.

Mom: "Oh thank god you call me back. Where were you??"
Me: "I was in the bathroom"
Mom: "Why didn't you answer??? How long were you in there??"
Me: "You called me 5 seconds ago and I'm calling you back now"
Mom: "Oh ok"

She's not very good with time...

Now that I'm ill, the phone calls and texts started coming in. Except this time, they were more along the line of instructions.

Mom: "jen where ru that u dont answer with bronchitis where r u? r u ok"
Me: "I'm fine. I was laying down"
Mom: "jen but take fiber?"
Me: "Fiber? Why do I need to take fiber?"
Mom: "To see if you have 100"

The fact that I didn't know what a fiber was probably an indication that I was going to need help to get better so once I figured out what she was talking about, I responded.

Mom: "ok u have a little its ok go to bed now but if u wake up in the night take the fiber again and if you have 100 take a advil or if u want to take now is good too"
Mom: "you should call the doctor tomorrow if u still dont feel good"

So the next day I tell her that I'm still not feeling well and that I'm going to call the doctor. It was, at this point, that I think me being sick finally made her go a little crazy.

Mom: "Ok i'll call the doctor"
Me: "Why can't I call?"
Mom: "Yeah, you can talk with your mouth! You call! You're not 6 anymore!"

If you don't talk with your mouth, how else does one speak?? Was she mad that I'm not 6? No clue... I just let her go with it. Not saying anything is often times the best thing to "say".

Dot Com

My mom's birthday recently passed and I sent her a quick happy birthday text before meeting her for lunch. My mom is one of those people who gets depressed every year because she basically thinks she's going to die any second. She's not ill nor does she have any reason to believe she's going to die...she just expects to drop at any given second. After I sent her a happy birthday text, I receive a picture text from her.

Before I continue, we must discuss my mom's picture messaging. The second that she learned she could do this with her cell phone, she began taking pictures of other pictures and sending them to me. She thinks this is the greatest invention since sliced bread.

Anyway, she sends me a picture of the two of us that had been taken a few weeks prior and said "I love you! remember mi". This follows the trend that she will pass away and I, according to my mother, will forget she ever existed. That text was followed by:

Mom: "How are you?"
Me: "I'm good, how are you?"
Mom: "im so so today i dont know if because my birthday or what but i feel like chiet"
Me: "That sucks, i'm sorry"
Mom: ".com"

Luckily, Ifeellikechiet.com is currently available.

Twitter

As I'm driving to go out late one night, I receive a text message from my mom that confuses me to the point where I needed to hang my phone to the passenger in my car to help me decipher the message.

Mom: "what is tuister?"
Me: "a twister? It's a tornado"
Mom: "Ok"
Mom: "What is mind tuister?"
Me: "I have no idea. A game? Mind twister?"

Until then, I had been assuming she meant "twister", however, I usually try to pronounce the word she writes and try to rhyme it with another word to see if that's what she's talking about. Twister…toaster… No clue. Mind you, I'm doing this while I have a passenger in the car who probably thinks I have reached a new level of insanity. By this point, my mom who had become frustrated with my lack of knowledge regarding this mysterious word so she decides to call me.

Mom: "what is this word?"
Me: "I have no clue what you're talking about. Twister? Are you talking about a tornado? Why are you asking anyway?"
Mom: "One of my friend asked me to send tuister and I don't know what is"
Me: "A text message?"
Mom: "Oh..maybe! Yeah, that's it a text message. That's how they call it in Argentina"
Me: "I don't think Argentina has it's own word for text message"
Mom: "Yes they do. I talk to you later"

After we get off the phone, I'm telling the other person in the car that I don't think "text message" is what her friend meant. I try rhyming the word "tuister" again when my friend yells out "TWITTER!". I called my mom back to ask her if she was talking about twitter.

Me: "Are you talking about twitter?"
Mom: "Yes!! Twitter! What is?"
Me: "It's this online thing where you just post a sentence about what you're doing. Like a status update in Facebook"

Why I'm even comparing it to Facebook when my mom has never even been on Facebook is beyond me and I realize that it just creates more confusion.

Mom: "Facebook? Ok.. That's stupid. I don't want to join this twitter. Are you on it?"
Me: "No, I'm on Facebook"
Mom: "You are??? Maybe I will join!"

At that moment, I realize that telling her that I was on Facebook may end up with wall posts and comments from my mom once she inevitably joins. Great...

I'm Just Tired

I recently learned that if I am tired, I can't tell my mom without being asked about 20 questions. Example:

Mom: "How are you?"
Me: "Good, very tired…how r u?"
Mom: "why u r tired? r u sick?"
Me: "No, I couldn't fall asleep so I'm just tired"
Mom: "why u didnt sleep? Do u have a problem?"
Me: "no, I just wasn't tired"

I didn't realize that by saying I was tired, I would have to answer several questions in under a minute. I know now to keep that to myself.

The next day, I receive a text from her checking up on me since I was tired and she was worried about me:

Mom: "how do u feel today? R u tired?"
Me: "No, I'm fine today. How r u?"
Mom: "I m sick withcough I feel like shiet"

Even though I knew exactly what she was saying, I still thought it would be amusing to try to pronounce "shiet". In doing so..I realized that is actually how she says the word sheee-it.

Handy Man

Classic text message conversations are great but they're even better when it's in person. I have been painting my new house for the past couple weeks and my mom would randomly come over to bring coffee. I would have suggested she could help paint but it might be hard to do in heels since that is the only thing my mother wears on her feet. Anyway, one of the coffee trips she made she started telling us a story about doing things yourself around the house rather than hiring someone:

Mom: "Let me tell you. Do you remember grandpa?"

Apparently, I forgot who my grandfather is even though he passed away when I was 23 years old. She likes to do that with all of my relatives that passed away, as if I completely forgot that they existed.

Me: "Yes…I do remember him."
Mom: "Ok, well he did all the work himself in his house. He was such a handle man"
Me: "A handle man?"
Mom: "Yes, a handle man. He didn't need to hire anyone, he did everything himself"
Me: "You mean handy man"
Mom: "Yes. He was such a good handle man. He could fix anything. You remember right?"
Me: "Yeah, I remember him being a good…handle man"

At one point she would use the word "handy man" correctly, but then go back to using "handle man", which makes the conversation that much more confusing for people who aren't used to her English. So I did what any daughter would do…I stood there and smiled while watching everyone attempt to understand.

Lady GaGa

Although this is not a text, it was a pretty awesome conversation (Remember our Mother's Day breakfast?). I recently went to a concert and my mom called me the next day to ask me how it was:

Mom: "How was the concert?"

Me: "It was really good. I had fun"

Mom: "That's good. Who was it?"

Me: "Lady GaGa"

Mom: "WHO?! Lady Faha?"

Me: "Lady GaGa. She sings dancey-pop music. You don't know her"

Mom: "Who knows who this is? Lady Faha. Who has a name like that?"

Me: "It's Lady GaGa. With a G"

Mom: "I thought you were seeing Gwen!"

My mother is actually on a first-name basis with Gwen Stefani from No Doubt. They go way back...

Me: "No, No Doubt isn't touring. I saw them over the summer"

Mom: "Oh, I thought you were seeing them. You only see them"

Me: "I see other people too..."

I now know that the next concert I go to, I will say it was No Doubt regardless of who was playing. It's easier to explain...

Finally!

I know, I know...it's been ages since my last post! Not that I haven't had the material, there will always be lots to talk about. Since my last post, there has been many great text messages from my mom. So I will start with a few good ones:

My mom will sometimes ask me for directions which always ends up in a disaster because you think she's actually listening to you when you're explaining things, but I assure you...she's not. This makes it difficult when telling her where to go because she'll say "ok thanks" and then she guesses where to go and ends up about 20 miles away from where she's supposed to be. A great example is when I gave her directions to meet me somewhere, I didn't have enough time to explain it so I sent her an e-mail. Little did I know...that wasn't a good idea because this conversation took place about 3 days after that e-mail was sent:

Mom: "jen what mind merge?"
Me: "What?"
Mom: "merge what is?"

Not knowing she was talking about the directions, I respond with "to merge? it's combining 2 things together"
Mom: "Ok tks"

Now..you would think that this obviously made no sense to her since "combining 2 things together" wouldn't exactly be helpful when you're lost. I just figured she wanted to know what a random word meant. So about 5 minutes later, I realize she may be talking about the directions.

Me: "Wait, r u talking about the directions? That means to get on the highway"
Mom: "Yes"

As many of you have read in the past, my mom has often misspelled words and the texts need to be deciphered. However, I started receiving texts that have actual words that are spelled correctly but don't really make sense in her sentence. This usually causes more confusion than misspelled or made-up words.

Mom: "i feel like piece of cheat"
Me: "what's a piece of cheat?"
Mom: "i dont feel good!"

I assume she was trying to use another expression that may be obvious looking at the full conversation and maybe "piece of cheat" is a new sensored way of saying it?? I should start using that, maybe we'll start a trend.

My mom isn't that great with common expressions, which is common for people from other countries...but that doesn't make it any less amusing.

Mom: "jen someone want to translate this this is my story and i am sticking to it. what is sticking?"

I explained that the expression meant that the person wasn't going to change their story. I was then told that she thinks that expression is stupid...or in her words..a "piece of cheat" expression!