Apple Picking

Mothers can make you feel happy when you're sad and make you laugh when you need it the most. On the other hand, mothers can also make you feel like a loser when you thought you were having fun.

Mom: "Ok what u doing?"
Me: "we're going apple picking"
Mom: "Uah!! u return to be a little girl again?"
Mom: "Ok enjoed"

If you have been following this blog, you would have noticed that my mom has used the term "enjoed" several times when she means "enjoy". I can correct her...but what fun would that be?? I'm not sure if "uah" is supposed to be her "text message code" for "wow" or if it's a new sound effect that she's using in order to emphasize her making fun of you through a text message.

The next day:

Mom: "Jen did u pick a lot apples?"
Me: "We picked a good amount, did you want any?"
Mom: "Yes i would like"

As long as I was "returning to be a little girl again" and picking apples, she wanted a few.

Are You Yourself?

There are many instances where my mom does something and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why anyone would do that. Example:

Mom: "theres no electricity is so boring"
Me: "so go somewhere"
Mom: "where? is so boring"
Me: "so ur just sitting there in the dark?"
Mom: "yes"

This conversation took place around 8pm on a Saturday - why she couldn't just go somewhere rather than sit in the dark is just beyond me. However, if she thinks I should be out rather than at home, she thinks I'm crazy.

Mom: "How are you?Where are you?"
Me: "I'm good I'm home"
Mom: "U dont go out?"
Me: "I went out for dinner before and now I'm back home"
Mom: "U r yourself"
Me: "No"
Mom: "Ok i talk tomorrow"

I assumed that she was asking if I was home alone, but she very well could have been asking me if I'm myself and I responded with "No" so she didn't want to talk to this other side of me. I'm thinking the latter is correct.

Trojan

Since my mother is now back from Argentina, I've been receiving more text messages AND phone calls. Most of the time, there is no purpose to the phone calls but my favorite is when she calls me and is silent for a second and then asks "So why did you call?". Clearly, she's losing it. Today's phone conversation was pretty classic.

Mom: "Jenny, this is telling me I need extra protection. It says I have a condom for the trojan"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Mom: "It's $60 extra, should I get it?"

Me: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Mom: "It has a condom for the trojan...you know?"

Me: "No, I have no idea what you're talking about"

Mom: "Oh, yes you do! You know..a condom. C...O....N..."

Me: "Yes, I know how to spell condom. But I don't know what you're talking about." (I was praying that she wasn't talking about what I think she was talking about and if I kept saying that I don't know, she would just go away)

Mom: "I don't know how else to tell you. They say I need extra protection in Norton"

Me: "OH! On your laptop!"

Mom: "Yes, I think I have a virus"

Me: "There's no condom, it's just a virus. You're talking about 2 different things"

For a while there, I thought my mom wanted to connect with me and tell me things that no parent should ever tell their child. No matter how old you are, no child is ever old enough to have that type of a conversation with their parent...especially when they're at work.

Since she has been back my favorite text message has been when I told my mom through a text message that I got promoted at work:

Mom: "uahh! congratulation im so happy now u can pay a lunch ja jaja"

Me: "Thanks"

Mom: "U welcame"

In the end, all my mom really wants is a free lunch.