Apple Picking

Mothers can make you feel happy when you're sad and make you laugh when you need it the most. On the other hand, mothers can also make you feel like a loser when you thought you were having fun.

Mom: "Ok what u doing?"
Me: "we're going apple picking"
Mom: "Uah!! u return to be a little girl again?"
Mom: "Ok enjoed"

If you have been following this blog, you would have noticed that my mom has used the term "enjoed" several times when she means "enjoy". I can correct her...but what fun would that be?? I'm not sure if "uah" is supposed to be her "text message code" for "wow" or if it's a new sound effect that she's using in order to emphasize her making fun of you through a text message.

The next day:

Mom: "Jen did u pick a lot apples?"
Me: "We picked a good amount, did you want any?"
Mom: "Yes i would like"

As long as I was "returning to be a little girl again" and picking apples, she wanted a few.

Are You Yourself?

There are many instances where my mom does something and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why anyone would do that. Example:

Mom: "theres no electricity is so boring"
Me: "so go somewhere"
Mom: "where? is so boring"
Me: "so ur just sitting there in the dark?"
Mom: "yes"

This conversation took place around 8pm on a Saturday - why she couldn't just go somewhere rather than sit in the dark is just beyond me. However, if she thinks I should be out rather than at home, she thinks I'm crazy.

Mom: "How are you?Where are you?"
Me: "I'm good I'm home"
Mom: "U dont go out?"
Me: "I went out for dinner before and now I'm back home"
Mom: "U r yourself"
Me: "No"
Mom: "Ok i talk tomorrow"

I assumed that she was asking if I was home alone, but she very well could have been asking me if I'm myself and I responded with "No" so she didn't want to talk to this other side of me. I'm thinking the latter is correct.

Trojan

Since my mother is now back from Argentina, I've been receiving more text messages AND phone calls. Most of the time, there is no purpose to the phone calls but my favorite is when she calls me and is silent for a second and then asks "So why did you call?". Clearly, she's losing it. Today's phone conversation was pretty classic.

Mom: "Jenny, this is telling me I need extra protection. It says I have a condom for the trojan"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Mom: "It's $60 extra, should I get it?"

Me: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Mom: "It has a condom for the trojan...you know?"

Me: "No, I have no idea what you're talking about"

Mom: "Oh, yes you do! You know..a condom. C...O....N..."

Me: "Yes, I know how to spell condom. But I don't know what you're talking about." (I was praying that she wasn't talking about what I think she was talking about and if I kept saying that I don't know, she would just go away)

Mom: "I don't know how else to tell you. They say I need extra protection in Norton"

Me: "OH! On your laptop!"

Mom: "Yes, I think I have a virus"

Me: "There's no condom, it's just a virus. You're talking about 2 different things"

For a while there, I thought my mom wanted to connect with me and tell me things that no parent should ever tell their child. No matter how old you are, no child is ever old enough to have that type of a conversation with their parent...especially when they're at work.

Since she has been back my favorite text message has been when I told my mom through a text message that I got promoted at work:

Mom: "uahh! congratulation im so happy now u can pay a lunch ja jaja"

Me: "Thanks"

Mom: "U welcame"

In the end, all my mom really wants is a free lunch.

I Call Me Later

I know, I know...I haven't posted anything in a while - I'm sorry! I do have a couple good ones since my last post, so enjoy!
Although my mom has been in Argentina for the past 2 months, nothing really has changed. Since she has been there, she's become very impatient with my responses.

Mom (9:07 pm): "Jen what u doing?"
Mom (9:08 pm): "Jen what u doing?"

She gave me about 45 seconds to answer and I failed. I have become quite the speedy texter though.

Mom: "Hi jen did came from school?"
Me: "Yeah, I just got home"
Mom: "Ok I call me later"

I'm not sure how she was going to call herself later or why, for that matter. I think she's been in the country for too long and needs to talk to someone...and that someone is herself.

This one is probably my favorite:
Mom: "Call me is emergency"
Mom: "Call me is emergency im living now"
Mom: "Im ok"

Was she dead? And why is she texting in the middle of an emergency? I would guess that it would be easier and faster to call someone. As I'm receiving these texts, I'm trying to call her but her she wasn't picking up her phone (yet she was still texting...). She was probably mad that it takes me a whole minute to respond to text messages, so maybe she was bored and wondered if there was an emergency how long it would take me to call.

This next one leads me to believe that my mother has gone crazy. While I'm at work, she calls me and we talk for about 5 minutes on the phone. I hang up at 3:36pm. At 3:38pm, I receive the following:

Mom: "hi jen how r u?"
Me: "I'm ok. I just spoke to you 2 minutes ago"
Mom: "I know i decide to msg"

I recently received my phone bill and for 1/2 a month of my mom's international text messages, my phone bill went up about $50. The extra charge is only for the text messages. Since international text messages are $.25 each, that means that 200 text messages were sent. I'm certain that I only sent about 50. I'm so excited for the full month's charge...

International Texts Part Dos

As I mentioned in the previous post, I've received the most confusing text messages while my mom has been in Argentina.

Mom: "Jeny how much was deposit From the school hi jen how r u?

I guess she was trying to save text messages by sending 2 messages in one? I also like how she called me Jenny or "Jeny" when she talks about something serious and when it's to see how I am, my name changes to Jen.

Mom: "Ohow its your work? k im good its cold here today h"

I learned that this text message was the easiest to understand. For example, for the rest of the day, I received the following:

Mom @ 10:32am: "Ahwith vin?h good fo u will have lunch wi"
Mom @ 10:34am : "Ok i ll call u or u can doit"

I'm not sure if the end of the 1st text message was accidentally moved to the beginning or she was telling me good for you for having lunch - either scenario could work. I did not respond to the first text message so I'm not quite sure what prompted the 2nd text message or even know what she's talking about. What did she want me to do? I have no idea...

Mom @ 2:00pm: "Hi jen how r u?"
Mom @ 2:08pm: "Jen r u ok!!"

I was given 8 minutes to respond to the first text message. Unfortunately, I was in a meeting at work and couldn't do so - I'm pretty sure the police were called because I, of course, was dead in a ditch.

International Text Messages

My mom recently left for Argentina and will be there until the middle of August. Yes...a full 2 months. Some of you may be upset thinking that there wouldn't be a post until she comes back. Fortunately, you are incorrect! I've received more texts in the past week since she has left than I do when she is in the United States. To be honest, I'm a little scared to look at my cell phone bill since international texts are not included in any text message package and are billed per text message received and sent.

Right before she boarded the plane, I received one last text message:

Mom: "Jen when u can email me vin email and put in my conctact"

Me: "You have his e-mail already in your contacts. You just e-mailed him"

Mom: "Ah!! ok"

Once she landed, I received the following text:

Mom: "im good GRACE"

Apparently, in the 13 hours that it took her land in Argentina, I had forgotten her name. Once I received that text, the rest just started pouring in.

Mom @ 1:11pm: "pls checmYVOICE MAIL+TKS" (I think I should teach her to proofread)

Mom @ 1:14pm: "did u check now?"

Me @ 1:16pm: "You didn't have any new messages"

Mom @ 1:17pm: "ok tks"

All of a sudden, she's the fastest text messenger! And very needy.

While I was at work one day, I started receiving all of these text messages that made no sense.

Mom @ 1:49pm: "Im ok"

Mom @ 1:57pm: "Im ok"

Mom @ 2:02pm: "Ok and vin?"

Mom @ 3:04pm: "Ok im ok i call you later"

Mom @ 10:26am (next day): "Im ok"

Mom @ 10:26am: "Im ok" (No, that's not a typo. They were sent within 30 seconds of each other)

At this point, I have no clue what's going on! I just keep receiving text messages every couple minutes saying that she was fine. I finally get her on the phone and ask her what she was doing. She tells me that she's fine and she couldn't figure out her phone so she just kept sending text messages to test her phone. It would have been so much less confusing if I knew she was going to be running text message tests. I hope she pays me back for those "Im ok" text message tests because, at this rate, my entire paycheck will be paying to know that she's ok every minute and a half.

No Doubt!

There will always be specific songs, smells, and places that remind us of someone. For my mother, it's really any song that came out in the 1990s, especially any song by No Doubt. I got a call from my mom and she was telling me that she was watching the Spanish version of American Idol where each week the contestants have to sing a song based on the week's theme. I'm not quite sure what this week's theme was, but one of the contestants sang a No Doubt song. This automatically meant that I was receiving a phone call.

Mom: "The Argentinean girl on the show remind me of you"

Me: "The girl did? Why?"

Mom: "She sing a song of No Doubt. I remember you listen to them all the time when Vin went to college. Do you remember?"

Me: "Yeah I remember"

Mom: "Yeah No Doubt. That with Glenn Stefan"

Me: "Yeah, Gwen Stefani is the singer"

Mom: "That girl sang the song so good! And she doesn't even speak English"

My mom always had a problem with Gwen Stefani's name. Glenn Stefan is a new one. She used to yell "I'm so sick of hearing that music with When!"

I recently told her that I bought tickets to see No Doubt in concert, which prompted her to ask me "They are still around?! Oh my god.." Yes...When/Glenn Stefan is still around.

Translation

If you've been following this blog, you would have noticed that my mom has her "text code" and can take a couple reads to fully understand. It makes her text messages unique and special.

Mom: "How r u"
Me: "good how are you"
Mom: "Ok bouring"

Translation: I'm ok. I'm bored.

Me: "I'm home watching tv"
Mom: "bouring"

At first glance, I thought she was calling me boring but after I asked, I realized that she was telling me that she was bored. I guess that part of the "text code" is to eliminate part of sentences.

Mom: "How r u"
Me: "I'm ok"
Mom: "Ok, where rs u!"
Me: "I'm out at dinner"
Mom: "Ok enjoed"
Mom: "Ok"

You would think that the time between her first text and my answer was at least an hour. No, it was a quick answer and I had actually just spoke to her on the phone 30 minutes prior to this text. I'm not sure why she texted me back with the 2nd "ok" - I guess she was just confirming that the conversation was over. Sometimes you need to double check.

Happy Mother's Day!

If anyone has ever gone out to eat with my mom, they would know that my mom has a special way of ordering food. When we first get there, she searches in her purse (which is entirely too large) for her glasses. Once she finds them, she opens the menu to look through it. Except, she's not actually looking - she is basically pretending to look through it because when the server comes around to take our order, she makes one up. Although the following story is not about text messages, it was still pretty amusing so I decided to share.

My family and I went out to breakfast for Mother's Day and when we first sit down, my mom went through the menu as usual. The waitress comes over to take our drink order and after we're done, my mom tells the waitress that we're ready to order. This would be fine, if we hadn't sat down about 30 seconds prior and had no idea what we wanted (she does this often). When it becomes my mom's turn to order her food, she closes the menu and says:

Mom: "I would like whites with no fat and ho he bread"

The waitress had a really confused look on her face, as do the rest of us. I, then turn to her and ask her what's she talking about.

Mom: "Whites no fat"

Waitress: "Egg whites?"

Mom: "Yes. No fat and no butter"

My mom then turns to me and says, "how do you say ho he bread?" I have no clue what she's talking about so I quickly think of breads that somewhat sound similar.

Me: "Whole wheat bread?"

Mom: "Yes please"

Waitress: "Ok, so you would like egg whites and whole wheat toast?"

Mom: "Yes please, no butter"

As the waitress leaves, my brother and I start to crack up. The whole conversation was just hilarious since everybody involved was trying to decipher her order. Not to mention - how boring of a Mother's Day breakfast is that!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Cinco de Mayo!

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo, I went out to dinner and drinks to On The Border. To be honest, any excuse to go there is just fine with me. As I'm driving home, I receive a text message from my mom. Before I go any further, (A little disclaimer) if anyone finds the conversation offensive, please know that it was not meant to offend anyone and was all said in good fun.

Mom: "What u doing?"
Me: "Driving back from dinner"
Mom: "wauuu! u never cook?"
Me: "We went out to celebrate cinco de mayo"
Mom: "Since when u celebred cinco de mayo r u mexican? u must celebrate the argentina think ja ja"
Me: "it gives us an excuse to eat mexican food. yes, i'm now a mexican"
Mom: "Ok u r a nice mexican"
Me: "Thanks haha"
Mom: "Ok mexi dont forget to check the ticket tks"

To quote Clueless, "I am not a Mexican!!!".

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!

-Mexi

It's Been A While

I know, it's been a long time since my last post. Unfortunately, I haven't received any good texts lately that would be worthy to have a post all of its own...but it's been a while and I can't leave you hanging!

I'm sure that every one has heard their parent say something that leaves them confused. As I've posted examples before (mainly, the random sentences from the first post - I still have no clue what that was about), here is another example that really left me a little confused:

Mom: "How are you?"
Me: "I'm good how r u?"
Mom: "Very tired i dont know way"
Me: "Me too"
Mom: "Jen take 2 advil and u will be better"
Me: "Why would i take advil? I'm just tired I'll just have more coffee"
Mom: "Ok"

I think I might have to keep an eye on my mom with her Advil. My mom probably thinks I'm crazy that I only drink coffee to wake up.

My mother's laptop broke a couple days ago and was sent out to be fixed, so my mom has been asking me to check her e-mail. When I asked my mom how the monitor broke, she responded with:

Mom: "I don't know how it broke. It was on the chair and then it fell. But it only fell a little!"

I don't know how something falls a little off of a chair. I also don't know why my mom was scared to tell me that she dropped her computer lol.

Eat Healthy

My mother usually doesn't keep her opinions to herself. As was the case one night when she texted me:

Mom: "what did u have for diner?"
Me: "I had a hamburger"
Mom: "Wuau nice & healty"

She automatically thought that I was eating dinner at McDonald's (why that's the first place that pops in her head? I have no clue). So I reply telling her that we went out shopping and stopped a restaurant quickly and I had a burger. She replies:

Mom: "Ok that nice was a yoke ja ja"

My reaction was basically...wtf? I don't even know what that means. It took me a while to decipher the message with her text messaging codes that include "wuau" and "yoke" (I'm not even going to go near the "ja ja"), but I was still pretty confused. I guess she thought I was being hypersensitive about my hamburger? lol Who knows... In her mind, I should be eating home-made food every night...she is more than welcome to come over my place and cook me dinner anytime!

Wuau!!

I'm usually at work when I receive most of the text messages from my mom, which makes it a little difficult not to burst out laughing. For example, I was sitting at work one morning when I receive the morning "how r u" text message.

Mom: "how r u"
Me: "good, how are you?"
Mom: "so so"
Me: "are you still sick?"
Mom: "so so do u know that vin is g to canada"
Me: "he is? no i havent spoken to him. he hasnt been at work many days this week"
Mom: "Wuau!! he is g with brian all 4"
Me: "what?? he's going with brian all 4 what?"

My office phone rings after about 1 minute

On the phone:
Mom: "It would take me 4 hours to type all of that. Vin is driving to Canada, he should be there in a couple hours"
Me: "What does 'W.U.A.U' mean?"
Mom: "Oh my god, it means WOW! Don't you know the text message code?"

How is 'wuau' text message code for wow?? I always thought that a code would have less letters than the original word, but in the world of my mom's text messaging..I am wrong lol. As my mom pointed it, I'm not as cool as she is...

Part Deux

I got pretty sick this past week. As always, people at work get the sniffles and I, somehow, get the Black Plague. My mom sends me a morning text message that says the same thing each morning, "How r u?". The first day that I took off, I received her text message but did not answer since I was sleeping most of the morning. Well about 20 minutes later, I receive the exact same text message. I'm actually convinced that she just forwards the same text message when she doesn't receive an answer in an acceptable amount of time...usually about 5 minutes.

Mom: "How r u?"
Me: "I'm home sick"

This prompted her to call me about 3 1/2 seconds later. Although, I said this was only to include text messages - the phone conversation was pretty classic.

On the phone:
Mom: "You're sick?"
Me: "Yeah..I'm sleeping"
Mom: (In a panic) "Oh my god! I have one child that in Wissi, on the other side of the world and my other one is sick! Oh my god, what am I going to do"
Me: "Wissi? He's in Wisconsin"
Mom: "Yeah, it's on the other side of the world! Who even knows about this place?!"
Me: "What are you talking about?? It's a state, people live there. And it's in the middle of the country"
Mom: "I don't know where it is. I've never heard of it"

My brother travels to Wisconsin, or "Wissi", a couple times a year for business and has been there several times before. Apparently, if something is not on the East Coast - it's on the other side of the world. She has done lots of traveling...obviously, not many places in the United States though lol. With her daughter sick in bed and her son on the other side of the world, it made her go a little crazy.

One last note...Am I the only person who receives texts that say "R u sleeping?" and when I don't answer because I am sleeping, I receive a "Hello?" text? I guess so...

You Asked For It!

So I finally decided to start this blog after being asked several times. Before I begin, let me explain... This blog will contain text messages that I receive from my mom. My mother likes to call me several times a day and when I started working a full-time job, she didn't quite understand that I couldn't answer the phone all the time. That is when I started to teach my mom how to text. Once she fully understood text messaging, there was no stopping her. Some will take a few readings before making any sense, some are Spanglish (it starts in English then turns into Spanish or vice versa), and others will contain entirely too much information. Just to be clear...I am in no way, shape, or form making fun of my mother - I think it's absolutely adorable and they definitely make me smile, even when I'm having a bad day.

Since this is the first post there have been many text messages that I can't possibly fit them all onto 1 post but I will write my 2 favorites so far.

One morning I receive a text message from while at work that says the following:
"Find Mistake
Maria likes to skate
Teresa speaks in class
do you need a schedule?
do you have a lot of homework?
do you like spanish class?"

So I responded as any other person would...I texted her back asking her what the hell she was talking about. It sounds like ESL lessons, but who knows lol (ESL - English as a Second Language. Apprently, it's called something else now. ELL, English Language Learners, or something like that. Ok, I'm going off topic now..let's get back)

My mom then responds, "See if those sentences are ok the spell"

I responded saying that I didn't see any mistakes and I asked why but received no answer. To this day, I still have no clue what she was talking about.

This next text message is, by far, my most favorite. Although, I will warn everyone...it does contain more information than you probably care to know. I'm just warning you...

Mom: "How are you"
Me: "Fine, how are you?"
Mom: "Im wating in the hosp"
Me: "Why are you in the hospital?"
Mom: "Doing the mammo" (She likes to cut some words short lol Mammo..hosp.. the rest of the word is nonsense)
Me: "Oh that sucks"
Mom: "Im in the pancake machine"
Me: "Yeah, that sucks"
Mom: "In tap my period came and my breast iu very sensible"

First of all...I don't know how ones breasts are sensible or "iu" sensible, but I actually think I would appreciate if mine were. That would be nice. Second...apparently, menopause doesn't run in my family..I'm just sayin..

Some other goodies included:

"I call you i faith with tio"

I didn't really understand this when I received it, I just figured I was going to wait until she called to find out (Tio means uncle in spanish). It sounded like her and my uncle were going to pray, but it actually meant the opposite - she fought with my uncle.

"Tu hermana va contigo tranlate pls"

She's actually proud of herself that she abbreviates words like pls and tks...she's cool like that. At first glance, you might think she doesn't know what it says but she's actually asking how to properly translate it into English.

"Jen i dont have me cel how r u?" She was texting me from someone else's phone. Who does that?? She also turned into a leprechaun.

Although there are lots more, I will save those for another time. Until then, I leave you with..."Ok why u dont answer u dont like to talk?"