Voicemail

As long as I've had a cell phone, I've always had a problem checking my voicemail. This problem is mainly due to laziness so if I missed a call, I probably didn't get back to you for a while and not because I didn't want to talk to you, it was because I actually didn't know why you called until about 2 or 3 days later. I found the whole having to call your voicemail, put in your pin and then listen to all the messages so time consuming so when I installed the Google Voice app on my phone, I thought everything would change. Google Voice has a voicemail to text feature that would allow you to play the message immediately, along with just quickly read it. Awesome, right? Not if you have an accent or if you are soft spoken, then it's just simply hilarious.

My dad, unlike my mom, is soft spoken and doesn't go into detail in his voice messages or texts but Google Voice somehow translates them into messages that I decided to put into random posts.

Translator:

"Hey and just want to mention that I don't know this is. I shouldn't be a host of thing. They made a bet on it with you called that you guys that one time I wanna go over the next time I think you know I governor. If you want to go. Give me a call and then I need to be okay bye."

This was one of the first messages I received from my dad and I stared at longer than I usually stare at messages. He shouldn't be a host but he made a bet on something that I told him about since I obviously know the governor? Well, just to be on the safe side, I pressed play to hear the actual message.

Actual Message:

"Hi Jenny, how are you doing? I just wanted to mention that your grandmother is at your aunt's house and she made both kinds of cookies. One with the eggs and ones without. Give me a call if you're going. Ok, Bye"

_____________________________________________________________

Translated Message:

"Yes any. The. So much to and then romando going over the place. I don't see anything that looks like this. So, give me a call that the service to you later. Okay bye."

Who is romando and what kind of service is he performing? On second thought - I don't want to know. I'm too young to know and will always be too young.

Actual Message:

"Hi Jenny. I'm upstairs and I'm looking around but I don't see the pictures you were talking about. Give me a call. Oh wait, it's late, I'll talk to you later"

Needless to say - the app isn't very accurate but it does make for some good quotes.

Room Number

I remember when I was younger that my teachers would always say that they had eyes in the back of their head and could see everything you are doing while they are writing on the board. I always thought the same about my mom. She knows where I am and I always figured she just installs a GPS device on all of my electronics and knows where I am at any given moment. A good example and proof of that is here.
I recently got married and before leaving for my honeymoon, I warned my mom that she wouldn't be able to speak or text me for a while since I was traveling internationally. I told her that I would give her a call when I had a chance. She said she understood, but let's face it...she didn't and apparently had other plans in mind. It was the 2nd day of my honeymoon and I decided to buy a calling card and call my mom. She didn't pick up the phone so I left a quick message telling her we got there safely and the hotel was really nice and I would try to call her back in the next few days or so. After a couple days, I called my mom again and we chatted for a while. I wasn't sure how much longer I had on the card so I told her I would call her when we got back to the United States.

Me: "I'll give you a call when I land at the airport"
Mom: "I want to tell you about my new car. I'll call you there"
Me: "I don't even know the number here and I'm heading to the beach now anyway"
Mom: "I know it. You're in room 1345"

Please note - I never told my mom what the name of my hotel is. Not because I thought she would stalk me but between the wedding and everything else going on, I simply forgot.

Me: "How do you know my room number?"
Mom: "I called the hotel and they gave it to me"
Me: "They just gave you my room number? That's weird"
Mom: "Yeah, I called your room but you weren't there. When are you going to be there?"
Me: "That's so creepy! I don't know, I'm on my honeymoon. I'm going to the beach now"
Mom: "I'm no creep. Ok, maybe I'll call you later"

Had I known that I, like a celebrity, needed to make sure the hotel didn't give my room number away, I would have. I never spoke to my mom again while I was away but I still wonder how many times she did call my room hoping I would be there.

You're Going To Pipi!

Yes, it's been quite a while. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

As you may know, my mom sends me a text every morning to ask how I am. There is the random phone call because, as she puts it, "I want to hear your voice! No typing!". As you might remember, I receive a daily "how are you?" text. However, today it turned into "I Jen hor r u?" At first, I assumed that she wasn't great typing with her new Droid phone (yes…she felt the need to become much more technologically advanced and get a Droid. At least 3 times a week, I get a confused phone call because there are so many buttons and applications). But after that text, I receive the "how are you" text. Was my mother trying to insinuate something? Was she trying to get me out of denial and write something I should say…"I, Jen, am a whore?". I wasn't sure if I should take offense to this. So I did what any child would do in an awkward situation…I ignored her.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

For Halloween, I dressed up my Corgi puppy as a hot dog. As a proud parent who found torturing her dog with a hot dog costume hilarious, I sent a picture of her to my mom. The response was pretty much a classic response as she was in the process of learning how to use her new Droid:

Me: "Abbey is dressed like a hot dog for halloween"
Mom: "Hi Jen how are you? :)"
Me: "Good how are you? Did you get my picture?"
Mom: "I'm ok I'm trying to learn this cell"
Me: "Did you get the picture?"

The next text is a video that my mom took of the wall

Mom: "She is si cue u went with her for tric tric?"

Next year, I plan on posting a video of my mom take my dog out trick-or-treating in the same hot dog costume while she dressed up as a bottle of ketchup and yells "tric tric!" at every house.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My mother sent me a text after dropping my brother off at the train station for a business trip.
Mom: "Hi jen how r u?"
Me: "Good how are you?"
Mom: "Good how are you? You going to pipi!"
Me: "I'm going to pee?"
Mom: "Yes you going to pipi de la risa!"

Translation: "De la risa" means "from laughter" in Spanish.

After this text message, I receive a phone call so she can tell me what is so funny that I was going to pipi. Please note - my expectations were pretty high. Her story:

"Jen I just dropped Vin off and he was yelling because I was late to pick him up and saying he was going to miss the train. I was late though. So I told him to shut your mouth and put on seat belt because your mommy was taking you to the train station! It was 5 o'clock and we had to drive to New York so there was so much traffic! I was in and out and in and out like crazy from the cars! His eyes got so big and he yelled 'slow down'! I said no, I told you we no going to be late! Well, we get there 15 minutes early."

Me: "So you drove like a crazy lady."
Mom: "He was so scared. He almost pipi in the car!"

She, then, proceeded to laugh into the phone for about 3 minutes and my expectations really need to be lowered next time.

Fiber

I know that I've mentioned this in the past, but when I get sick my mother calls me every 30 minutes or so to make sure that I'm still alive. If I don't answer, I start receiving numerous text messages and the phone calls every 2 minutes begin. A perfect example is when my mother called me to see how I was feeling and when I tried to answer the call, it was too late. So I call her back.

Mom: "Oh thank god you call me back. Where were you??"
Me: "I was in the bathroom"
Mom: "Why didn't you answer??? How long were you in there??"
Me: "You called me 5 seconds ago and I'm calling you back now"
Mom: "Oh ok"

She's not very good with time...

Now that I'm ill, the phone calls and texts started coming in. Except this time, they were more along the line of instructions.

Mom: "jen where ru that u dont answer with bronchitis where r u? r u ok"
Me: "I'm fine. I was laying down"
Mom: "jen but take fiber?"
Me: "Fiber? Why do I need to take fiber?"
Mom: "To see if you have 100"

The fact that I didn't know what a fiber was probably an indication that I was going to need help to get better so once I figured out what she was talking about, I responded.

Mom: "ok u have a little its ok go to bed now but if u wake up in the night take the fiber again and if you have 100 take a advil or if u want to take now is good too"
Mom: "you should call the doctor tomorrow if u still dont feel good"

So the next day I tell her that I'm still not feeling well and that I'm going to call the doctor. It was, at this point, that I think me being sick finally made her go a little crazy.

Mom: "Ok i'll call the doctor"
Me: "Why can't I call?"
Mom: "Yeah, you can talk with your mouth! You call! You're not 6 anymore!"

If you don't talk with your mouth, how else does one speak?? Was she mad that I'm not 6? No clue... I just let her go with it. Not saying anything is often times the best thing to "say".

Dot Com

My mom's birthday recently passed and I sent her a quick happy birthday text before meeting her for lunch. My mom is one of those people who gets depressed every year because she basically thinks she's going to die any second. She's not ill nor does she have any reason to believe she's going to die...she just expects to drop at any given second. After I sent her a happy birthday text, I receive a picture text from her.

Before I continue, we must discuss my mom's picture messaging. The second that she learned she could do this with her cell phone, she began taking pictures of other pictures and sending them to me. She thinks this is the greatest invention since sliced bread.

Anyway, she sends me a picture of the two of us that had been taken a few weeks prior and said "I love you! remember mi". This follows the trend that she will pass away and I, according to my mother, will forget she ever existed. That text was followed by:

Mom: "How are you?"
Me: "I'm good, how are you?"
Mom: "im so so today i dont know if because my birthday or what but i feel like chiet"
Me: "That sucks, i'm sorry"
Mom: ".com"

Luckily, Ifeellikechiet.com is currently available.

Twitter

As I'm driving to go out late one night, I receive a text message from my mom that confuses me to the point where I needed to hang my phone to the passenger in my car to help me decipher the message.

Mom: "what is tuister?"
Me: "a twister? It's a tornado"
Mom: "Ok"
Mom: "What is mind tuister?"
Me: "I have no idea. A game? Mind twister?"

Until then, I had been assuming she meant "twister", however, I usually try to pronounce the word she writes and try to rhyme it with another word to see if that's what she's talking about. Twister…toaster… No clue. Mind you, I'm doing this while I have a passenger in the car who probably thinks I have reached a new level of insanity. By this point, my mom who had become frustrated with my lack of knowledge regarding this mysterious word so she decides to call me.

Mom: "what is this word?"
Me: "I have no clue what you're talking about. Twister? Are you talking about a tornado? Why are you asking anyway?"
Mom: "One of my friend asked me to send tuister and I don't know what is"
Me: "A text message?"
Mom: "Oh..maybe! Yeah, that's it a text message. That's how they call it in Argentina"
Me: "I don't think Argentina has it's own word for text message"
Mom: "Yes they do. I talk to you later"

After we get off the phone, I'm telling the other person in the car that I don't think "text message" is what her friend meant. I try rhyming the word "tuister" again when my friend yells out "TWITTER!". I called my mom back to ask her if she was talking about twitter.

Me: "Are you talking about twitter?"
Mom: "Yes!! Twitter! What is?"
Me: "It's this online thing where you just post a sentence about what you're doing. Like a status update in Facebook"

Why I'm even comparing it to Facebook when my mom has never even been on Facebook is beyond me and I realize that it just creates more confusion.

Mom: "Facebook? Ok.. That's stupid. I don't want to join this twitter. Are you on it?"
Me: "No, I'm on Facebook"
Mom: "You are??? Maybe I will join!"

At that moment, I realize that telling her that I was on Facebook may end up with wall posts and comments from my mom once she inevitably joins. Great...

I'm Just Tired

I recently learned that if I am tired, I can't tell my mom without being asked about 20 questions. Example:

Mom: "How are you?"
Me: "Good, very tired…how r u?"
Mom: "why u r tired? r u sick?"
Me: "No, I couldn't fall asleep so I'm just tired"
Mom: "why u didnt sleep? Do u have a problem?"
Me: "no, I just wasn't tired"

I didn't realize that by saying I was tired, I would have to answer several questions in under a minute. I know now to keep that to myself.

The next day, I receive a text from her checking up on me since I was tired and she was worried about me:

Mom: "how do u feel today? R u tired?"
Me: "No, I'm fine today. How r u?"
Mom: "I m sick withcough I feel like shiet"

Even though I knew exactly what she was saying, I still thought it would be amusing to try to pronounce "shiet". In doing so..I realized that is actually how she says the word sheee-it.