I'm Just Tired

I recently learned that if I am tired, I can't tell my mom without being asked about 20 questions. Example:

Mom: "How are you?"
Me: "Good, very tired…how r u?"
Mom: "why u r tired? r u sick?"
Me: "No, I couldn't fall asleep so I'm just tired"
Mom: "why u didnt sleep? Do u have a problem?"
Me: "no, I just wasn't tired"

I didn't realize that by saying I was tired, I would have to answer several questions in under a minute. I know now to keep that to myself.

The next day, I receive a text from her checking up on me since I was tired and she was worried about me:

Mom: "how do u feel today? R u tired?"
Me: "No, I'm fine today. How r u?"
Mom: "I m sick withcough I feel like shiet"

Even though I knew exactly what she was saying, I still thought it would be amusing to try to pronounce "shiet". In doing so..I realized that is actually how she says the word sheee-it.

Handy Man

Classic text message conversations are great but they're even better when it's in person. I have been painting my new house for the past couple weeks and my mom would randomly come over to bring coffee. I would have suggested she could help paint but it might be hard to do in heels since that is the only thing my mother wears on her feet. Anyway, one of the coffee trips she made she started telling us a story about doing things yourself around the house rather than hiring someone:

Mom: "Let me tell you. Do you remember grandpa?"

Apparently, I forgot who my grandfather is even though he passed away when I was 23 years old. She likes to do that with all of my relatives that passed away, as if I completely forgot that they existed.

Me: "Yes…I do remember him."
Mom: "Ok, well he did all the work himself in his house. He was such a handle man"
Me: "A handle man?"
Mom: "Yes, a handle man. He didn't need to hire anyone, he did everything himself"
Me: "You mean handy man"
Mom: "Yes. He was such a good handle man. He could fix anything. You remember right?"
Me: "Yeah, I remember him being a good…handle man"

At one point she would use the word "handy man" correctly, but then go back to using "handle man", which makes the conversation that much more confusing for people who aren't used to her English. So I did what any daughter would do…I stood there and smiled while watching everyone attempt to understand.

Lady GaGa

Although this is not a text, it was a pretty awesome conversation (Remember our Mother's Day breakfast?). I recently went to a concert and my mom called me the next day to ask me how it was:

Mom: "How was the concert?"

Me: "It was really good. I had fun"

Mom: "That's good. Who was it?"

Me: "Lady GaGa"

Mom: "WHO?! Lady Faha?"

Me: "Lady GaGa. She sings dancey-pop music. You don't know her"

Mom: "Who knows who this is? Lady Faha. Who has a name like that?"

Me: "It's Lady GaGa. With a G"

Mom: "I thought you were seeing Gwen!"

My mother is actually on a first-name basis with Gwen Stefani from No Doubt. They go way back...

Me: "No, No Doubt isn't touring. I saw them over the summer"

Mom: "Oh, I thought you were seeing them. You only see them"

Me: "I see other people too..."

I now know that the next concert I go to, I will say it was No Doubt regardless of who was playing. It's easier to explain...

Finally!

I know, I know...it's been ages since my last post! Not that I haven't had the material, there will always be lots to talk about. Since my last post, there has been many great text messages from my mom. So I will start with a few good ones:

My mom will sometimes ask me for directions which always ends up in a disaster because you think she's actually listening to you when you're explaining things, but I assure you...she's not. This makes it difficult when telling her where to go because she'll say "ok thanks" and then she guesses where to go and ends up about 20 miles away from where she's supposed to be. A great example is when I gave her directions to meet me somewhere, I didn't have enough time to explain it so I sent her an e-mail. Little did I know...that wasn't a good idea because this conversation took place about 3 days after that e-mail was sent:

Mom: "jen what mind merge?"
Me: "What?"
Mom: "merge what is?"

Not knowing she was talking about the directions, I respond with "to merge? it's combining 2 things together"
Mom: "Ok tks"

Now..you would think that this obviously made no sense to her since "combining 2 things together" wouldn't exactly be helpful when you're lost. I just figured she wanted to know what a random word meant. So about 5 minutes later, I realize she may be talking about the directions.

Me: "Wait, r u talking about the directions? That means to get on the highway"
Mom: "Yes"

As many of you have read in the past, my mom has often misspelled words and the texts need to be deciphered. However, I started receiving texts that have actual words that are spelled correctly but don't really make sense in her sentence. This usually causes more confusion than misspelled or made-up words.

Mom: "i feel like piece of cheat"
Me: "what's a piece of cheat?"
Mom: "i dont feel good!"

I assume she was trying to use another expression that may be obvious looking at the full conversation and maybe "piece of cheat" is a new sensored way of saying it?? I should start using that, maybe we'll start a trend.

My mom isn't that great with common expressions, which is common for people from other countries...but that doesn't make it any less amusing.

Mom: "jen someone want to translate this this is my story and i am sticking to it. what is sticking?"

I explained that the expression meant that the person wasn't going to change their story. I was then told that she thinks that expression is stupid...or in her words..a "piece of cheat" expression!

Apple Picking

Mothers can make you feel happy when you're sad and make you laugh when you need it the most. On the other hand, mothers can also make you feel like a loser when you thought you were having fun.

Mom: "Ok what u doing?"
Me: "we're going apple picking"
Mom: "Uah!! u return to be a little girl again?"
Mom: "Ok enjoed"

If you have been following this blog, you would have noticed that my mom has used the term "enjoed" several times when she means "enjoy". I can correct her...but what fun would that be?? I'm not sure if "uah" is supposed to be her "text message code" for "wow" or if it's a new sound effect that she's using in order to emphasize her making fun of you through a text message.

The next day:

Mom: "Jen did u pick a lot apples?"
Me: "We picked a good amount, did you want any?"
Mom: "Yes i would like"

As long as I was "returning to be a little girl again" and picking apples, she wanted a few.

Are You Yourself?

There are many instances where my mom does something and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why anyone would do that. Example:

Mom: "theres no electricity is so boring"
Me: "so go somewhere"
Mom: "where? is so boring"
Me: "so ur just sitting there in the dark?"
Mom: "yes"

This conversation took place around 8pm on a Saturday - why she couldn't just go somewhere rather than sit in the dark is just beyond me. However, if she thinks I should be out rather than at home, she thinks I'm crazy.

Mom: "How are you?Where are you?"
Me: "I'm good I'm home"
Mom: "U dont go out?"
Me: "I went out for dinner before and now I'm back home"
Mom: "U r yourself"
Me: "No"
Mom: "Ok i talk tomorrow"

I assumed that she was asking if I was home alone, but she very well could have been asking me if I'm myself and I responded with "No" so she didn't want to talk to this other side of me. I'm thinking the latter is correct.

Trojan

Since my mother is now back from Argentina, I've been receiving more text messages AND phone calls. Most of the time, there is no purpose to the phone calls but my favorite is when she calls me and is silent for a second and then asks "So why did you call?". Clearly, she's losing it. Today's phone conversation was pretty classic.

Mom: "Jenny, this is telling me I need extra protection. It says I have a condom for the trojan"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Mom: "It's $60 extra, should I get it?"

Me: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Mom: "It has a condom for the trojan...you know?"

Me: "No, I have no idea what you're talking about"

Mom: "Oh, yes you do! You know..a condom. C...O....N..."

Me: "Yes, I know how to spell condom. But I don't know what you're talking about." (I was praying that she wasn't talking about what I think she was talking about and if I kept saying that I don't know, she would just go away)

Mom: "I don't know how else to tell you. They say I need extra protection in Norton"

Me: "OH! On your laptop!"

Mom: "Yes, I think I have a virus"

Me: "There's no condom, it's just a virus. You're talking about 2 different things"

For a while there, I thought my mom wanted to connect with me and tell me things that no parent should ever tell their child. No matter how old you are, no child is ever old enough to have that type of a conversation with their parent...especially when they're at work.

Since she has been back my favorite text message has been when I told my mom through a text message that I got promoted at work:

Mom: "uahh! congratulation im so happy now u can pay a lunch ja jaja"

Me: "Thanks"

Mom: "U welcame"

In the end, all my mom really wants is a free lunch.